Unknown Void

I keep telling myself that things will be okay
And then I hear some stupid song on the radio.
How is it that someone else’s musical misery can recall my own
And even demolish the joy I’d finally rebuilt in my heart?
The thing that bothers me most is this:
I know that things aren’t really that bad.
I know that I have much and lack little, but…
I still ache and long and starve for something.
What am I missing?

 

(Note: I am not depressed, so there is no need to be worried. I simply feel that something is missing, and I am not sure what that thing is.)

This is me crying out for help.

I don’t know where to begin except to say that I absolutely hate my life. I understand that right now I’m really emotional, but I mean what I say. I’m just so tired of being sick, unemployed, pregnant, and worrying about my life. I have enough in savings to cover my rent and utilities for this month, but I have no idea what I’ll do after that. I applied for and received food stamps, but I haven’t used them. I can’t decide if it’s pride or just that I don’t feel convinced that I need the help yet. I had an interview for a nanny position last week that went really well, but I know that I’m not really what they want/need. I could play the part for a few months, but I know that in the end they would just need to find someone else. I also have an interview at Target on Thursday, but I’m not even sure about that. What if I can’t get benefits? And if I take this job (where I’m not paid under the table like nannying/babysitting) will it disqualify me for food stamps? I looked into participating in Room at the Inn’s residential program after the baby is born, but they don’t know for sure if they’ll have an opening for me then. If they did, we could live there for free (rent, utilities, groceries, and cleaning supplies all paid for) for up to two years, and I could return to school. This sounds great, but I have no guarantee that I could do this. Thinking about putting the baby up for adoption and returning to my “normal” life doesn’t console me at all. I just feel that I would know everything that had happened (and so would everyone else), and it would just weigh on me. I don’t really feel happy about any of my options, and I wish I could just die or be taken away by Jesus. I know it’s sounds melodramatic, but it’s how I feel. I’m miserable. I know that people care about me–I don’t question that–but it doesn’t help. I’m still very unhappy inside, and even when I’m able to forget it for awhile and be happy, it comes back.

I really hate writing things like this, because I don’t want to sound like a suicidal, attention-craving person. I don’t want people to even think for a second that I might kill myself, because there is absolutely no danger of that. I guess I just want people to know that I’m hurting and really need your prayers. I don’t even need your encouragement, because I get so much of that already (and it is appreciated). Please don’t feel the need to offer the right words or advice. Just pray. Hard.

Let’s make a pact.

We’ll promise to be friends forever.
We’ll promise to always be there.
We’ll promise to tell the hard truth.
We’ll promise to never lie.
We’ll promise to humor each other when necessary.
We’ll promise to hug a lot.
We’ll promise to say nice things.
We’ll promise to never say mean things.
We’ll promise to respect each other.
We’ll promise to laugh.
We’ll promise to learn new things together.
We’ll promise to stay hopeful.
We’ll promise to never hold each other back.

I’ll promise to love you.

A Lack of Doors

The past week was not one of my best. I found out I couldn’t go to Malone, had babysitting issues, and continued to struggle with the lack of transportation. BUT… God is good. He is good even when everything else isn’t.

 A point that has been stressed upon me is the opening and closing of doors. I felt that doors were being shut all around me this past week. It was a frustrating time. Then I went with my mom to her adult Sunday School class at Central, and the leader spoke about doors. I think this is a common topic among evangelicals. Whenever things stop working out, we talk about God shutting doors, and when we get a great opportunity, we talk about God opening a door. But what about when there are no doors?

Beginning with the latter part of last week, I have entered a hallway with no doors. I have no sense of direction. God isn’t saying no, but he isn’t saying yes either. What do I do? It’s absolutely maddening..

 Still, my Lord reigns supreme. His glory doesn’t cease to be seen even in situations such as this. When I have nowhere to turn, he remains the same glorious God. If this were not so, I would have no stability at all. At least (and at most) I can rest in the never-changing “awesomeness” of the Lord.

How blessed I am to even know him.