This is me crying out for help.

I don’t know where to begin except to say that I absolutely hate my life. I understand that right now I’m really emotional, but I mean what I say. I’m just so tired of being sick, unemployed, pregnant, and worrying about my life. I have enough in savings to cover my rent and utilities for this month, but I have no idea what I’ll do after that. I applied for and received food stamps, but I haven’t used them. I can’t decide if it’s pride or just that I don’t feel convinced that I need the help yet. I had an interview for a nanny position last week that went really well, but I know that I’m not really what they want/need. I could play the part for a few months, but I know that in the end they would just need to find someone else. I also have an interview at Target on Thursday, but I’m not even sure about that. What if I can’t get benefits? And if I take this job (where I’m not paid under the table like nannying/babysitting) will it disqualify me for food stamps? I looked into participating in Room at the Inn’s residential program after the baby is born, but they don’t know for sure if they’ll have an opening for me then. If they did, we could live there for free (rent, utilities, groceries, and cleaning supplies all paid for) for up to two years, and I could return to school. This sounds great, but I have no guarantee that I could do this. Thinking about putting the baby up for adoption and returning to my “normal” life doesn’t console me at all. I just feel that I would know everything that had happened (and so would everyone else), and it would just weigh on me. I don’t really feel happy about any of my options, and I wish I could just die or be taken away by Jesus. I know it’s sounds melodramatic, but it’s how I feel. I’m miserable. I know that people care about me–I don’t question that–but it doesn’t help. I’m still very unhappy inside, and even when I’m able to forget it for awhile and be happy, it comes back.

I really hate writing things like this, because I don’t want to sound like a suicidal, attention-craving person. I don’t want people to even think for a second that I might kill myself, because there is absolutely no danger of that. I guess I just want people to know that I’m hurting and really need your prayers. I don’t even need your encouragement, because I get so much of that already (and it is appreciated). Please don’t feel the need to offer the right words or advice. Just pray. Hard.

Guilt, like an anchor on my soul

Today I did something really stupid, selfish, and mean. I messed up (accidentally) in a big way, and then I preferred to cover my own ass than be honest about it. It has not caught up with me yet, but I fully expect it to. At this point, I am unable to correct the wrong. I simply have to wait and see if they take action against me, which I fully deserve. I wish I had just swallowed my fear and pride and tried to “fix” it from the start, but I chose to ignore it and walk away. That selfish and cowardly decision may have cost me much more than I would have endured otherwise. I write all this not to get sympathetic comments nor “helpful” advice. I am putting this out there as a testament to the flesh that I still give in to daily and its crushing pain. I am telling you all to be as honest about your mistakes as you can, for I regret DEEPLY this occasion on which I was not.

an annoying love for an imperfect person

I am amazed by the kindness my Father shows me. I am a mess. I seem to know nothing of consistency, commitment, loyalty, or faithfulness. Things I demand in my friends are truly lacking in myself. Yet his grace never stops. I am pursued by a love that makes no sense to me.

Give Thanks

Thank you for thunderstorms.
Thank you for my precious dog, Flo.
Thank you for mommy hugs.
Thank you for good music.
Thank you for scholarships.
Thank you for clean, soft sheets.
Thank you for flip flops.
Thank you for pretty flowers.

God, you are so amazing and beautiful to me! Help me to never lose the sense of awe that envelops me when I survey your creation.