Just thinking

One of the things I love about WordPress is that anyone can leave you comments, even if they don’t have an account themselves. It is also one of the things I really dislike. There have been multiple occasions of receiving rude, vulgar, or just downright hateful comments from people I do not know. I always delete these comments immediately after reading them and, if I’m smart enough to remember, pray that God will protect my heart from their words.

The thing about all of this is that I don’t despise these people who leave such comments, but I sincerely wonder what the appeal is. Beyond that, I also feel an almost overwhelming sorrow for them. I don’t say this to sound falsely compassionate but because I really do feel this way. I can’t imagine how miserable it must be to live with a bitterness that causes you to say hurtful things to people you don’t even know. And maybe they don’t even realize this, but I hope that one day the light will come on for them and that they will run from their misery and into the arms of peace.

This is me crying out for help.

I don’t know where to begin except to say that I absolutely hate my life. I understand that right now I’m really emotional, but I mean what I say. I’m just so tired of being sick, unemployed, pregnant, and worrying about my life. I have enough in savings to cover my rent and utilities for this month, but I have no idea what I’ll do after that. I applied for and received food stamps, but I haven’t used them. I can’t decide if it’s pride or just that I don’t feel convinced that I need the help yet. I had an interview for a nanny position last week that went really well, but I know that I’m not really what they want/need. I could play the part for a few months, but I know that in the end they would just need to find someone else. I also have an interview at Target on Thursday, but I’m not even sure about that. What if I can’t get benefits? And if I take this job (where I’m not paid under the table like nannying/babysitting) will it disqualify me for food stamps? I looked into participating in Room at the Inn’s residential program after the baby is born, but they don’t know for sure if they’ll have an opening for me then. If they did, we could live there for free (rent, utilities, groceries, and cleaning supplies all paid for) for up to two years, and I could return to school. This sounds great, but I have no guarantee that I could do this. Thinking about putting the baby up for adoption and returning to my “normal” life doesn’t console me at all. I just feel that I would know everything that had happened (and so would everyone else), and it would just weigh on me. I don’t really feel happy about any of my options, and I wish I could just die or be taken away by Jesus. I know it’s sounds melodramatic, but it’s how I feel. I’m miserable. I know that people care about me–I don’t question that–but it doesn’t help. I’m still very unhappy inside, and even when I’m able to forget it for awhile and be happy, it comes back.

I really hate writing things like this, because I don’t want to sound like a suicidal, attention-craving person. I don’t want people to even think for a second that I might kill myself, because there is absolutely no danger of that. I guess I just want people to know that I’m hurting and really need your prayers. I don’t even need your encouragement, because I get so much of that already (and it is appreciated). Please don’t feel the need to offer the right words or advice. Just pray. Hard.

Sometimes you just need to let the tears fall.

I wonder if a man will ever be able to love me. Maybe that seems over-dramatic, but I really do wonder.

I wish I could make people understand the kind of heart-constricting pain I live with every day. To be ignored by the father of your unborn child is more excruciating than you could possibly imagine. If he can do this, it becomes likely that every man could. And then who do you trust?

My best friend in the entire world is a man. He’s the only man I love and trust with my whole heart. But we’re not linked that romantic, soul-connected kind of way. It’s sad, really. The one man that I have deemed worthy of my trust has no desire for my heart.

This really wasn’t meant to sob story or a pity party, but it seems that it has become one. My recommendation: have a little cry and try to rest. It will still be there tomorrow, but escape while you can in the sweetness of sleep. There is mercy in the closing of your eyes.