You don’t want me; you’re just lonely

I’m really more angry than anything else. I know that I should be grateful, but I’m not. I’m irritated. I’m exasperated. I’m anxious. Why can’t I just be happy that He protected me from myself?

While I’ve made great progress in past couple of months, I still keep making the same mistakes. Granted, I am actually remorseful this time around, but how real can that remorse be if I keep doing it? And why do I still want to do the same old things even knowing the dangers? It doesn’t make sense.

I repeatedly put myself in dangerous situations, and God has protected me countless times, but how much longer can I expect to live this way without dire consequences? Am I just determined to learn things the hard way? Teddy asked me this last night, and I think he really hit the nail on the head. But why? Why am I so persistent in doing things I know will only harm me?

I say I want to change, and I say I want to live in a way that pleases Christ. Well, why don’t I? What is wrong with me? I see God working in my life, and as much as I’m excited about that, I still don’t act like it. I have so much to be thankful for, but you can’t see that gratitude acted upon in any area of my day-to-day living.

Where do I go from here?

Closing in

We sat ouside in the freezing cold, but you held me close… and I was warm. Sometimes we spoke, and sometimes we refrained. There was no need for anything but each other’s company. And in those moments, my heart fused with yours. Now I’m in the most danger I’ve ever been in. I’m just waiting for you to call, waiting for you to look my way again.

It’s risky business putting your heart on the line.