Where’s the Light at the End of the Tunnel?

God, I’m trying so hard not to let the darkness swallow me whole, but I feel swamped by it. My theology tells me that you have not forsaken me, but my heart is crying out. I feel so alone and hopeless. There seems to be no light ahead of me at all. I see nothing but black. It takes all the wavering faith I have to keep going, though I feel the strong temptation to give up and in. Jesus, please let me feel you. I need to know that you are here.

Parables

Sometimes I feel like Jesus’ disciples did. I read his stories and scratch my head, thinking, “Huh?” Take Luke 13, for example. Jesus tells three parables in this chapter–one about a fig tree, one about a mustard seed, and one about yeast. In none of these stories does he explain what he means. And as much as I may pride myself in being a Bible major, there are still very simple things I do not understand. I can pull out commentaries and concordances, but when I just read the gospel accounts by themselves, I feel as if I know nothing.

That is kind of terrifying for me to admit, but maybe that’s just a part of humility and mystery. God knows that I can get cocky about my “Bible knowledge”, but here he shows up, leaving me baffled with simple stories. And what about the mystery? In my search to dissect and understand the Bible, I’ve done away with all the mystery. God was never supposed to be someone I could fully understand.

Why am I so afraid of this–of not knowing everything?

A Lack of Doors

The past week was not one of my best. I found out I couldn’t go to Malone, had babysitting issues, and continued to struggle with the lack of transportation. BUT… God is good. He is good even when everything else isn’t.

 A point that has been stressed upon me is the opening and closing of doors. I felt that doors were being shut all around me this past week. It was a frustrating time. Then I went with my mom to her adult Sunday School class at Central, and the leader spoke about doors. I think this is a common topic among evangelicals. Whenever things stop working out, we talk about God shutting doors, and when we get a great opportunity, we talk about God opening a door. But what about when there are no doors?

Beginning with the latter part of last week, I have entered a hallway with no doors. I have no sense of direction. God isn’t saying no, but he isn’t saying yes either. What do I do? It’s absolutely maddening..

 Still, my Lord reigns supreme. His glory doesn’t cease to be seen even in situations such as this. When I have nowhere to turn, he remains the same glorious God. If this were not so, I would have no stability at all. At least (and at most) I can rest in the never-changing “awesomeness” of the Lord.

How blessed I am to even know him.