Ambiguous Art

I’m really more angry than anything else. I know that I should be grateful, but I’m not. I’m irritated. I’m exasperated. I’m anxious. Why can’t I just be happy that He protected me from myself?

While I’ve made great progress in past couple of months, I still keep making the same mistakes. Granted, I am actually remorseful this time around, but how real can that remorse be if I keep doing it? And why do I still want to do the same old things even knowing the dangers? It doesn’t make sense.

I repeatedly put myself in dangerous situations, and God has protected me countless times, but how much longer can I expect to live this way without dire consequences? Am I just determined to learn things the hard way? Teddy asked me this last night, and I think he really hit the nail on the head. But why? Why am I so persistent in doing things I know will only harm me?

I say I want to change, and I say I want to live in a way that pleases Christ. Well, why don’t I? What is wrong with me? I see God working in my life, and as much as I’m excited about that, I still don’t act like it. I have so much to be thankful for, but you can’t see that gratitude acted upon in any area of my day-to-day living.

Where do I go from here?