Unknown Void

I keep telling myself that things will be okay
And then I hear some stupid song on the radio.
How is it that someone else’s musical misery can recall my own
And even demolish the joy I’d finally rebuilt in my heart?
The thing that bothers me most is this:
I know that things aren’t really that bad.
I know that I have much and lack little, but…
I still ache and long and starve for something.
What am I missing?

 

(Note: I am not depressed, so there is no need to be worried. I simply feel that something is missing, and I am not sure what that thing is.)

Just thinking

One of the things I love about WordPress is that anyone can leave you comments, even if they don’t have an account themselves. It is also one of the things I really dislike. There have been multiple occasions of receiving rude, vulgar, or just downright hateful comments from people I do not know. I always delete these comments immediately after reading them and, if I’m smart enough to remember, pray that God will protect my heart from their words.

The thing about all of this is that I don’t despise these people who leave such comments, but I sincerely wonder what the appeal is. Beyond that, I also feel an almost overwhelming sorrow for them. I don’t say this to sound falsely compassionate but because I really do feel this way. I can’t imagine how miserable it must be to live with a bitterness that causes you to say hurtful things to people you don’t even know. And maybe they don’t even realize this, but I hope that one day the light will come on for them and that they will run from their misery and into the arms of peace.

This is me crying out for help.

I don’t know where to begin except to say that I absolutely hate my life. I understand that right now I’m really emotional, but I mean what I say. I’m just so tired of being sick, unemployed, pregnant, and worrying about my life. I have enough in savings to cover my rent and utilities for this month, but I have no idea what I’ll do after that. I applied for and received food stamps, but I haven’t used them. I can’t decide if it’s pride or just that I don’t feel convinced that I need the help yet. I had an interview for a nanny position last week that went really well, but I know that I’m not really what they want/need. I could play the part for a few months, but I know that in the end they would just need to find someone else. I also have an interview at Target on Thursday, but I’m not even sure about that. What if I can’t get benefits? And if I take this job (where I’m not paid under the table like nannying/babysitting) will it disqualify me for food stamps? I looked into participating in Room at the Inn’s residential program after the baby is born, but they don’t know for sure if they’ll have an opening for me then. If they did, we could live there for free (rent, utilities, groceries, and cleaning supplies all paid for) for up to two years, and I could return to school. This sounds great, but I have no guarantee that I could do this. Thinking about putting the baby up for adoption and returning to my “normal” life doesn’t console me at all. I just feel that I would know everything that had happened (and so would everyone else), and it would just weigh on me. I don’t really feel happy about any of my options, and I wish I could just die or be taken away by Jesus. I know it’s sounds melodramatic, but it’s how I feel. I’m miserable. I know that people care about me–I don’t question that–but it doesn’t help. I’m still very unhappy inside, and even when I’m able to forget it for awhile and be happy, it comes back.

I really hate writing things like this, because I don’t want to sound like a suicidal, attention-craving person. I don’t want people to even think for a second that I might kill myself, because there is absolutely no danger of that. I guess I just want people to know that I’m hurting and really need your prayers. I don’t even need your encouragement, because I get so much of that already (and it is appreciated). Please don’t feel the need to offer the right words or advice. Just pray. Hard.

Guilt, like an anchor on my soul

Today I did something really stupid, selfish, and mean. I messed up (accidentally) in a big way, and then I preferred to cover my own ass than be honest about it. It has not caught up with me yet, but I fully expect it to. At this point, I am unable to correct the wrong. I simply have to wait and see if they take action against me, which I fully deserve. I wish I had just swallowed my fear and pride and tried to “fix” it from the start, but I chose to ignore it and walk away. That selfish and cowardly decision may have cost me much more than I would have endured otherwise. I write all this not to get sympathetic comments nor “helpful” advice. I am putting this out there as a testament to the flesh that I still give in to daily and its crushing pain. I am telling you all to be as honest about your mistakes as you can, for I regret DEEPLY this occasion on which I was not.

Sometimes you just need to let the tears fall.

I wonder if a man will ever be able to love me. Maybe that seems over-dramatic, but I really do wonder.

I wish I could make people understand the kind of heart-constricting pain I live with every day. To be ignored by the father of your unborn child is more excruciating than you could possibly imagine. If he can do this, it becomes likely that every man could. And then who do you trust?

My best friend in the entire world is a man. He’s the only man I love and trust with my whole heart. But we’re not linked that romantic, soul-connected kind of way. It’s sad, really. The one man that I have deemed worthy of my trust has no desire for my heart.

This really wasn’t meant to sob story or a pity party, but it seems that it has become one. My recommendation: have a little cry and try to rest. It will still be there tomorrow, but escape while you can in the sweetness of sleep. There is mercy in the closing of your eyes.

an annoying love for an imperfect person

I am amazed by the kindness my Father shows me. I am a mess. I seem to know nothing of consistency, commitment, loyalty, or faithfulness. Things I demand in my friends are truly lacking in myself. Yet his grace never stops. I am pursued by a love that makes no sense to me.

You lose control when you hold too tight

Well, this is my first post from Canada. It’s strange to think that so much has remained the same and so much has changed at the same time. I like the same things, think the same thoughts, and love the same people, but I am in such a different place in my life. Geography has changed, climate is cooler, and living arrangements are much trickier.

I want to say that Canada is everything I dreamed it would be, but that would be a lie of omission. This beautiful/strange place called Thunder Bay is a fulfilment of dreams and a realization of fears that had yet to arise. I miss my mother, my dog, and a wonderful man that didn’t even know how much I loved him. I am learning, though. This is a great move for me, and I know that I will continue to see Father working in and around me. Hopefully, I will also see him working through me.

I waver between urges to go “home” and to make this my new home. I know that the latter lies closer to the desire of my heart, though. I have been called here, and I cannot turn back. I want to see all that is planned for me here. I am terrified and unsure, but there is no denying a purpose bigger than nannying is here for me in Thunder Bay.

I am becoming less and less convinced that I will return. This is not to say that I won’t, but I am less attached to the idea of Charlotte as home. This is my home. Thunder Bay. It is beautiful and new and frightening, but any place or act of greatness always is.

Pray for me. I need you. I need your support. Renovatus is forever in my heart and always on my mind. I cannot even begin to explain the immensity of my love for you (but if you really want an inkling, read Philippians 1). You will always be my family. Thank you for everything. Really.

It’s a good year for the robots.

Well, I’m sure most of you who read this already know my good news, but just in case:

I’m moving to Canada!

I leave on May 12th, so make sure you get in some quality Beth time.

Things I like:

• mango mojitos
• Dawn Landes
• twinkle lights

 

it’s hard to breathe in this city; it’s easier to drink

Save

I know that I need Him more than I need anyone else. No lover could ever save me from the places I’ve made for myself–nests of sin and misery that I can fly back and forth between. He felled this bird with one well-aimed stone, knocked the flight from my wings. No longer able to flit between dirty hovels, I will rest in this safe haven. It is the haven that His love wraps me in.